Depression is quite the hole. So many people think it should be easy to crawl out of if you just put your mind to it, pull yourself up by the boot-straps, yadda yadda... The truth of it is that it is difficult to keep clawing you way up the deep well that is depression, and often you are kicked back down just as you overcome the lip of the ledge to freedom. What kicks you down? Sometimes you know the culprit -- but far more frustrating is when you so often do not recognize it. Being plunged back into darkness for no reason you can discern causes a sense of hopelessness and despair that is incredibly difficult to claw back through.
It's not that my life is anything to complain about, quite honestly. A few things could be better, but I know that I'm really living very well. It's the fighting in my mind and heart, it's the scorn for knowing that I should push through when I just cannot seem to summon the energy, it's when simple laundry becomes Mt. Frikkin' Everest and I just *know* it shouldn't be that difficult, that gut-wrenching.
I started my way up again. It started with a kick in the pants from my husband that quickly turned introspective. And then it started with a dirty dish. And it progressed to a clean kitchen. And now it's progressing to the list of things in my head that are *long* overdue. Slowly, I wade my way through the shit back to the top of this well. I only hope that something isn't waiting to kick my ass back down again.